high functioning anxiety

I’ve had about six anxiety attacks this week. I don’t know if it was actually six. It feels like it was six. I am too anxious to really be able to quantify them accurately. So let’s just say it was six for the sake of science.

I do know a few things. I know that I have woken up at 4 AM twice this week in a panic. It was horrible. I had to force myself to go to bed even though my head was racing, my heart was pounding and everything felt bad and awful. The issue with my anxiety attacks is that I can carry on with what I have to do relatively well. I am high functioning. It’s a blessing. It’s a curse. My therapist thinks I am having some kind of mania right now. And that is definitely the case. I am going too fast. I want to accomplish all my goals at once, right this minute, I want to be better. I have about fifteen things going on in my head: project ideas, bills, job applications, where will I live, will I stay in LA, do I just move to New York, do I go abroad, how do I pay off my loans, why is my brain doing this to me right now, I am scared, I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t know if it is actually fifteen things. It’s hard for me to quantify. But let’s just chalk it up as fifteen because it’s a nice pretty number and I need to put my anxiety to bed. I know that the wheels are spinning and I can’t seem to stop. This isn’t new, but it has been taking on a different form lately because I care way too much about everything all the time.

The annoying part about this anxiety is that I am doing all (most) of the things they tell you to do when your anxiety is affecting you: I am hanging out with friends, I am working towards my goals, I am going to therapy, cutting back on drinking, taking long walks and crying in the car to Vance Joy. Maybe that last one is just something I made up. I wonder if I’ll ever feel better. Or if this is just my brain all the time and this is the best that it will ever be.

I had six meeting this week: two job interviews, a meeting with a former teacher, two podcast interviews and a therapy session. I know that it was six because I can count them on my hand and cross them off on my to-do list. I don’t know how to do this with my anxiety. I don’t know how to cross it off. But let’s just say for the sake of science, that one day I will. Because that a nice, pretty idea and I like the sound of it.